Words That Weigh
Why I think we shouldn't comment on others' bodies
I had just arrived at a restaurant to meet some friends. I took my place at the table, and noticed Adele* seated across from me, a friend of a friend, a woman with wary green eyes. As the words left my mouth, it might have seemed like I was the one speaking, but it felt like I was possessed by the Ghost of Bad Judgement when I said, "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight." My observation was brief and unemotional, as if delivering the 8pm weather report.
Ouch.
Immediately after my brain processed my words, and no doubt influenced by the expression on Adele's face, I came out of my trance. All that remained was the stinging realization that I shouldn't have said that.
She blurted, “Yeah, I guess that’s true,” and looked away. I knew that kind of reply. I had it on speed dial for when I needed it.
And need it, I did.
Like that time when, after pulling back from a half-assed hug, Wendy* gave me a good scan up and down and expressed her concern, saying, “You’re too skinny! That’s no good!” Her words landed on me like pigeon poop: unexpected, annoying and a bit embarrassing. I was left wondering: now what do I do?!
Whenever I got that kind of remark, thoughts swarmed into my mind like confetti in the wind: Should I give an explanation? Should I go into how my body is naturally on the slimmer side? Do I need to explain the stressful period I am in right now? And how when I’m stressed I eat less?
Yes, I took issue with Wendy’s comment. But it wasn’t merely because it was a negative one. Compliments regarding my weight didn't feel good either.
So when Neil* said, "It's amazing how you manage to stay this skinny," delivered with a mix of envy and admiration, it showed me how superficially we relate to others’ bodies. What he perhaps viewed as flattery, I received as a slap on the face. It was a confirmation that despite my best efforts, I couldn’t reach my desired weight. It was a reminder that at that time in my life, I wasn’t able to properly take care of myself.
He couldn’t have known any of that. And that’s why he shouldn’t have said anything. Just like I shouldn’t have mentioned that to Adele.
Why do we feel the need to pass judgment on other people's bodies - either positive or negative?
One obvious reason is that it’s right there in front of us. It’s what we see. We’re being confronted by the presence of another. Sometimes that intimidates us - when we feel we’re not as “beautiful” as them. And we put our foot in our mouth. Or we want to be nice and their appearance is the most immediate thing to comment upon. Either way, we’re dismissing the rich inner life of that individual, assuming that our comment will land the way we imagine.
The insidious nature of body compliments is that they surreptitiously reinforce the idea that our worth is tied to our appearance. And any change would retract our “right” to be complimented. As for the reverse, negative comments can make you feel as if you’re a walking pack of meat, constantly scrutinized for its worth. It wasn’t only once that I had been reduced to a pair of skinny legs.
When I received those remarks in the past I could always feel the subtle expectation to give an explanation. Sometimes it’s the unspoken words that are most poignant. It took me a while to realize that I don't need to justify my weight to anyone.1 Whether they deem it appropriate or not. It may seem like a small thing, but it was a radical shift in mindset for me. It gave me back my agency, as well as reminding me who owns this body (hint: myself).
All that said, I don't think commenting on someone's image is inherently off limits. You can still complement them or make a remark about their appearance without referencing the nature of their body.
Notice the difference between these two statements:
I like those jeans. They look nice on you.
I like those jeans. They make you look skinny/slim/thick/curvy.
The first one is neutral. The second one implies that if those jeans didn’t produce that effect, you wouldn’t like them.
I’m not suggesting you should follow the "If you don't have anything positive to say, don't say anything at all" rule. That's bullshit. It implies that we must always dress our speech in feel-good statements and tiptoe around difficult problems. And if we can't do that, we should just zip it. The truth isn't always pretty. Lizzo said it herself: truth hurts. But there's a difference between a qualified opinion that was invited, versus an off-the-cuff remark that holds subtle implications of morality.
If you, for whatever reason, don't find someone's body attractive or flattering, that's okay. It's an instinctive opinion.2 But please don’t divulge it, because you never know what that person is going through.
Not all opinions weigh the same. And when it comes to body comments, they’re as superfluous as they can get.
Many thanks to
, , and for pushing me to make this article better.If it's relevant to one's health, one may need to talk about their weight to a medical professional. But I'm not talking about such cases.
I am not suggesting representation in the media or discourses about certain kinds of bodies can't inform our bias. But more often than not, they reinforce an existing one.
Names have been changed to protect individuals’ privacy.